Inspiration

Throughout the soon to be completed two semesters of college, I've had my share of high times and low times. I've come across separate cases in which I came to a consensus of what i was progressing to with my education. But it was a facade. I've had a rocky start to my collegiate experience grade wise and have tried to come up with an explanation on why this could be. I'm very intelligent (i say that humbly), I am not a very lazy person when it comes to due dates, and I have an awful lot of pride in my work. But all of these qualities that seemed to come to me so effortlessly now have become something I need to cherish more. I've experienced many "pep talks" to but it lightly to get my act together by parents and caring friends, which has resonated with me and I do understand the consequences and possibilities that correspond with my actions from here on out. The reoccurring problem seems to be that I can't get myself to really put a worth while effort into my school work. I know with every neuron firing in my brain that I need to continue to get my act together but there is something missing. And walking through campus today bumping "Mia Wallace" in my headphones, i came to the realization that the reason I've been performing so poorly is that i don't know what I'm working toward. I have no idea what I'm going to be doing in 5 years and it irratates me that i don't have a clear cut idea of what the purpose of my education is. I know the broad consensus idea of attending a university is to get some type of degree that will help you get a career and have a domino effect on the future of any student that leads to their destiny. But what about me? I can say with complete honesty there is not one student at the U or anyone that thinks about the world the way I do, so I can't put myself into the cliche model of students I see on a daily basis. I started to ask myself the question 'why am I here', and I continually come up blank. I feel like I am running with no finish line, and could be studying with a lack of a finish line for another year. I have never thought about my future because in my opinion, it is a scary subject. Freshman year already seems like forever ago and high school feels like ancient history and my life shows no sign of decreasing in its pace. If I start veering my vision farther toward the future I may lose sight of the present. So, in the mean time, I look for inspiration which feels like looking for a skyscraper in the corn fields of Iowa. I want it to stick out like a sore thumb so that I can say "this is my goal and here are my steps in achieving it" but that, as I have come to realize, is not how life works.

This is just a burp of a random thought that I have had on my mind for some time and needed to organize it into a outline to make sense of it. I hope who ever reads this can relate, if not to the college part, to some other concern in their life and help them with their life. If not, it helped me so what ever.